Fatherhood Epiphany

For years I’ve renounced the idea of having any children of my own. For my own selfish needs and desires have always obstructed my perception…the want to be more of myself. Now I find myself wanting nothing more than to raise a child of my own. To live for an extension of myself, a young boy whom I’d womb not in birth but through life. I’d be willing; No, I give my desires over to the idea of having a son. To sacrifice all I once laid important in my eyes for the benediction to raise up a being more than myself yet of myself. A boy of my own, so beautifully within himself, is something I fantasize of and now live for. To crave and cherish on this thought.

The closest I’ve ever felt to this conviction was the birth of Lian. Even then - this intense love, parental, and paternal desire wasn’t as excruciating as it is today.

I’ve suppressed all nuclear family urges for the fear of losing myself in the process. This ignorance hindered me, and was devoured by my egotism and introversion. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I’m not a jar sitting, waiting to be filled by a righteous substance. I’m a watering pot with no purpose other than to feed into another. A panacea for my hopelessness and wandering.